*Note: There might be a few words that some might find offensive. My apologies. They are just for the sake of explaining where I was both emotionally and spiritually at that time. Thank you.
I had been away from the Church for about a year, this last time. I have had my ups and downs, but, in my heart, I felt a pull to the Church. Why was I away this last time? Like the times before, I would start getting very angry and judgmental with people, mainly my customers. Some look down on others because they think they are better than most people. Some are alcoholics, drug addicts, homeless or a combination of the three. They feel bad about life and can be “not so nice”. You might think I had every right to be angry with these people when they called me an “anal whore” or a “f—ing bitch” or talked down to me like I was a five year old, after all I worked in a gas station. But according to the “Great Commandment”, I was to love them as I loved myself.
Easier said than done!
I would try and try, everyday, to not get angry and be a good Christian. But I could not and felt like a bad person for it.
After all that and being laid off and not finding work, I felt God had abandoned me. I had difficulty trusting that God has a plan for me.
So this Lent, my hope was to learn to trust in God. What I got was much more.
A few weeks ago, I was lying in bed, a little depressed, thinking, why can I not trust God and why can I not put my trust in anyone. I realized that I have an issue with loving others. Yes, I love my son. But do I love anyone else? I thought about old boyfriends and friends in general. I do not think I loved any of them. I am not even sure if I feel free to love my family. I lost touch with nearly all of them. And that was when it hit me…
Love and trust go hand in hand. I have problems trusting, because I have problems loving others, unconditionally.
That was when I thought about what Jesus said along with loving your neighbor as yourself, love God above all else.
But what does it mean to love God first and foremost? Do you love God the same way as you love your child or your spouse or your kitty?
“There was a scholar of the law who stood up to test him and said, “Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life? Jesus said to him, “What is written in the law? How do you read it?” He said in reply “You shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your being, with all your strength, and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself.” He replied to him, “You have answered correctly; Do this and you will live.”-Luke 10:25-28 (NAB)
To love God one must obey the Word of God. That is a different sort of love than that we have for friends and family. It is an unconditional love. We show God that we love Him by respecting His Will and choosing to follow His Word and not sinning against Him. He knows that we are not perfect, so He gives us an infinite number of chances.
Through God, I learned that my brokenness is a little deeper than I thought. But I know what is wrong and what I need to work on. I also learned that I must strive to “live” that commandment. I need to strive to love the Lord, my God, with all my heart and all my soul and all my strength and all my mind every moment of every day.
Happy Easter everyone!
*This was just a single chapter in my spiritual life. There will be more and I will continue to share them here.